Written By Jerome Segers
Posted on October 20th, 2007
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I'm a few years late with this -- and I don't have a dedicated video game review section on the site (yet), but after recently playing Dead or Alive 4 on the Xbox 360, I have to vent.

First of all, the fans of this game are bumbling imbeciles. I've sat back and read the hype and hoopla over this series for years dating back to the Sega Saturn days of old and have avoided playing it for one reason or another. After finally playing it, I am so underwhelmed I'm extremely angry this half-ass game even has any fans to begin with.

I mention this in my yet to be uploaded movie review of DOA, but if you like this game you're either an ignoramus who likes to laud the fact jiggling mammories have finally made it into video game pyshics or you just suck a fat one at every other fighting game in the universe. Plain and simple. If I offend anyone, too bad. Somebody has to tell you that you're playing a shitty game that makes you suck at life and it looks like that person is me. Deal with it.

Why do I hate it? Well, for starters, after playing games like Street Fighter and Tekken for years, playing this makes me feel like I'm watching a bunch of old people trying to whack each other with canes at a retirement home after somebody changed the channel from Matlock. The games I mentioned are known for their break neck speed and tight controls while DOA is yawn inducing. It's also very one sided when it comes to juggles, and while all fighting games you can juggle a dude to death, here it seems like there's no way to counter. Killer Instinct had combo breakers atleast.

And who's bright idea was it to make block a dedicated button instead of simply holding back? One of my friends brought it to my attention that block can be activated by pressing back on the D-Pad, but I still can't get rid of it on the face buttons. If the game developers were smart they would have placed block on one of the shoulder buttons instead. Having on one of the face buttons is the stupidest thing ever because I'm always hitting the button when I don't need to.

Yes, blocking in Tekken is ultimately pointless, but shit, atleast you know it works. In DOA, block seems like a random thing that works when it choses to work. In fact, all of the controls feel like that. For example, I press punch and it feels like 100 years go by before I see the action on screen! Coming from Tekken 5 to this garbage almost made me want to toss the controller through a window -- which I should have done considering it wasn't my controller nor was it my apartment lol.. But I can hear you DOA snobs right now crying and bitching like "Well, Tekken is a n00b game and DOA takes practice".

Shut the fuck up.

While Tekken 5 is easy to pick up and play it's easily one of the deepest fighting games out there. DOA 4 may very well have a deep fighting system, but you wouldn't know thanks to the sluggish pace and cramping control scheme. And while I'm comparing the two franchises, what the hell is up with the character design in DOA? You got 200 generic looking women with balloon tits and then you got guys that look like they got rejected from every fighting game series in history. Random ninja guy here, random big guy there, the obligatory old dude... And people enjoy this?

If you're good at DOA, congrats, you're good at a very horrible game. That's like saying you're great at sculpting things out of feces. You very well may be able to make the Statue of Liberty out of cat shit, but who cares? If my friends ever suggest playing this shit again, I am getting up and going back to my house to play Tekken. I'm not going to degrade myself to play such filth.