June 12th, 2007

Release Date: June 5th, 2007

Genre(s): Pop/R&B/Dance

Runtime: 49 minutes, 56 seconds

Record Label: Def Jam Recordings

Official Page: Click Here

By "The One," I mean the person prophesied by the Oracle to finally take over Beyoncé’s dominance of the music industry through her limited vocal ability, ominous fivehead, and excruciatingly stiff dance moves. I’d expect most people to take this with a grain of salt seeing as a similar prophecy was made in early 2002 concerning a certain talentless singer named Ashanti becoming the next Princess of R&B after Aaliyah (R.I.P) died in a plane crash.

Despite the failure of the earlier prophecy (which I dub “The Bananas Bullshit” prophecy), Rihanna still has a pretty decent chance at conquering the throne. Unlike previous fools who have attempted to usurp “Queen Beyoncé,” she has an arsenal (well… maybe just one) of secret weapons that seem to be Matthew Knowles’s kryptonite. Her main secret weapon, ironically, happens to be Queen Beyoncé’s man Jay-Z.

This makes things difficult for Father Knowles because he can’t treat her like all the other female solo Pop/R&B singers. Therefore using his usual scare tactics, like giving her the Black Spot or offering to be her manager and making her sing half assed songs (i.e. Kelly Rowland), are out of the question. Her secondary secret weapon is obviously her voice.

I’m definitely not saying that her voice is better than Beyoncé’s -- anyone who thinks that needs to get their ears checked. But unlike the Queen’s God-gifted pipes, Rihanna’s vocals sound raw, unpolished, and resembles the cross between a blare horn and a gargling goat. A sound like that is almost impossible to get out of your head after hearing it.

... Would have been a more appropriate title for this album. With tracks named “Breakin' Dishes,” “Lemme Get That,” and “Sell Me Candy,” it feels like Rihanna has backtracked into the mentality and image of a spoiled, badly behaved 3 year old rather than the sexy, “independent woman” image she was trying to achieve with this album. I know that Rihanna is 19 (maybe 18) years old and she wants people to think that she’s a grown woman now, but I think sexy is one of the last images she should be going for.

I think she is a pretty girl (most of the time) but her face looks like that of a five year old who still hasn’t grown into their forehead (quite similar to a Bratz doll) and her body is shaped like lego blocks. I cringe every time I see her promoting “Umbrella” because she always looks like a little girl playing dress up with Mommy’s S&M gear.

And please don’t get me started on the “sexy” dance moves. They are all crotch and no rhythm.
1. Umbrella – This song is insanely addicting. I always get that damn “ella ella eh eh” part stuck in my head. I really love this song, but I think it could have done with out Jay-Z’s five second rap. The only thing I truly hate about this song is the pretentious music video. Whoever came up with the concept for the video should be shot. And who the fuck choreographed Rihanna’s solo dance (the dance in the white dress and the ugly maid lingerie thing)?

I learned better dance moves in my jazz class when I was 8 years old. I use to think that I was the worst dancing Black girl in the world, but seeing those moves made me feel like Shakira…

Was I the only person that was reminded of Fantasia’s latest album cover during the part of the video when Rihanna is painted silver??

2. Push Up On Me – This song sounds like a leftover song from Ciara’s music library. If Rihanna ever releases this as a single, I hope she learns some decent dance moves. I’d hate to see her ruin this song with some stiff, weakly executed moves and annoying crotch thrusts. The lyrics in this song make me want to shake my head. The last thing I would want is some nasty guy pushing all his junk against me at a club, but to each his own.

3. Don’t Stop The Music – This song is very Techno/Europop sounding. I like how the beat during the verses slowly builds up before launching into the chorus. However, the part near the end of the song with the background singers singing a bunch of gibberish is really annoying.

If you’re a Michael Jackson fan then I think you will enjoy this song, since it samples that trademark cat call of his.

4. Breakin’ Dishes – I was slightly tempted to skip this song solely based on the title, but when I actually heard the first line I suddenly wanted to delete it from my laptop. The lyrics in this song are very “Beyoncé-ish,” meaning that they sound like they were written in 3 minutes. Overall, this song is about Rihanna wanting to beat her man up and ruin all his belongings because he keeps coming home late or whatever. I’m all for fighting a man, bleaching his clothes and roasting them over a fire, but the whole “breakin’ dishes” thing has got to go.

No man is going to give a damn if you break up some dishes unless he’s gay and they were his prized Martha Stewart collection. The bridge in this song is samples the “Three Little Pigs” nursery rhyme and it is so lame and stupid that it almost makes Fergie’s London Bridges song seem creative…almost

Despite all this, I actually like this song and I think the beat is pretty hot…