Well, this is a fantabulous way to kick off the brand new Audio Reviews section isn't it? Why I subject myself to hours of potential extreme forms of torture just to entertain you guys for a few minutes of your life is almost beyond my realm of reasonable comprehension these days.
Unless you've been living on your favorite local park bench as a full-time hobo for the past few months, you would know that Paris Hilton has recently joined the prestigious horde of celebrities who have picked up a microphone and got the brilliant idea to seriously record an album.
Who exactly gives out these record contracts to idiots like Lindsay Lohan, David Hasselhoff, Kevin Federline, and Eddie Murphy? I guess the record executives and other big wigs think they can sell a few albums just based off their success in other media venues. Well, they're right most of the time but who at Warner Bros. Records (the very same label that houses Linkin Park) thought the public actually likes Paris Hilton?
Do a quick survey of your friends and ask them if they had an opportunity to kill Paris Hilton and get away with it scott-ass-free (also known as "pulling an O.J."), would they do it? I'm willing to bet my left nut they will say a resounding "YES" 90% of the time (I asked Roderick just now and he said he wouldn't kill her, but he'd rape lmao). I personally don't get the big deal with her. Let's go down the list, shall we?
When it comes to looks, she's certainly what I like to call "meh". Yeah, she has "super model looks" but the vast majority of super models are not even hot to me (I don't count those Black and Latina chicks with the astronomical booties on magazine covers such as "King" as "super models"; they're more like "magazine hoes". If they don't agree with that, then I'm sure somebody will open up a bottle of champagne and pour it on them until they come to the realization that they are indeed a "ho"). I'm a pretty skinny guy my damn self, so what the hell do I want a skinny ass bitch for? So we can fall in love and have toothpick kids? I've said it before and I'll say it again, to counter balance my crappy genetics I'll have to boink some FAT chick. Not that that's my plan or anything... and nothing against overtly obese women (lol) either. Even if I do just so happen to put on muscle tone over the next 5 years and lose the toothpickness, my basic DNA is the same haha. Which is why I don't get guys who marry girls who have tons of plastic surgery. Yeah, their wives are hot now, but all that surgery didn't change their DNA and the kids will pop out looking like hot, freshly raped ass.
Getting back to Paris Hilton though, you can just look at her and tell she's an idiot. Her eyes and smile make her look incredibly vacant and oblivious to her surroundings. Watching her on "The Simple Life" reality series really cemented the fact to American audiences that she is indeed a walking dingle fairy. All she can say are idiotic/ignorant things and "that's hot". Her personality doesn't seem the great, either. Hilton is nothing more than a spoiled rich brat and in the grand scheme of things, she's utterly useless to society. Folks, mops are more useful than Ms. Hilton here. Don't even get me started on the whole sex tape fiasco from a few years ago.
So with all the above in mind, I fully anticipated that I would absolutely loathe this album. I heard that she was releasing a CD for awhile and, over time, started to salivate endlessly as I eagerly awaited it's leaking to the world wide web; just chomping at the bit to fire up the ol' HTML editor (Netscape Composer) and type away viciously on how much and how far my ear had just projectile vomited. Well, there's been a slight change of plans lol. One late night when I was working on the page, I had my TV tuner program on a mini window in the corner of my desktop not really paying attention to the visuals. I was watching MTV and a video came on that I didn't know the artist of.
I liked the song and towards the very end I maximized my tuner so I could read who the artist was and I was shocked that it was Paris. I think I even let out an audible "OH MY GOD!" in my state of consternation. Fast forward a few weeks later and I have the whole CD downloaded. Is it humanly possible for Paris to ROCK MY SOCKS?
Believe it or not, it's actually pretty good. I'm not here to appease your hunger for Paris bashing; I'm calling this one right down the middle. You've got to look at it and appreciate it for what it is and not over analyze things.. it's not trying to change the music industry. It's just mindless pop, and if you want to have an innocent good time dancing like a fool, then this is for you. As I've mentioned on numerous occassions on the site, American pop music is less like the *N Sync and Backstreet Boys songs of yesteryear and is more skewed towards hip hop these days. You can basically say pop as it used to be doesn't even exist anymore.
Supporters of this theory should look no further than the first few tracks on "Paris". Hip hop super producer Scott Storch, who I swear looks severely out of place as a blinged out jewish guy, lends a few beats to Paris. For this reason alone I can't knock some of the songs.
The album opener "Turn It Up" is a bass heavy club track that's more akin to dance-pop than Lil' Jon. Storch did the production on this, as Paris mentions between extra breathy whispers of "yeah" (that she annoyingly pronounces as "yah"), and he did a pretty good job given the hard task of trying to make Paris' songs likeable lol. Songs that have the duty as first track should set the tone for the rest of the CD, so "Turn It Up" was a good start.
The other beats "Mr. Jewish Blingo Man" contributed to this project were also good, for instance "Fightin' Over Me" which features Fat Joe and Jadakiss doing most of work by supplying 2 verses that are their standard fare. Paris doesn't do much on this one other than do the hook... which is probably why it's tolerable.
Even with that song's daft-ass hook of "Everytime I turn around the boy's fightin' over me, everytime I step out the house they want to fight over me" it's an enjoyable, fun little track. "Stars Are Blind" is the lead single and I could see why they chose this one to go out first. The video is pretty stupid (unsurprisingly... she's pretty much being slutty with a guy on the beach), but the song itself has a pop-reggae vibe that's infectious. Hell, even the song is a bit catchy.
Most tracks have the same story as above; you just can't knock the production on this album because, for the most part, it's top notch. The CD jumps from club joints, to 80's throwback pop, to modern pop and it's all good in the hood in my book. It's like a weird hybrid of Madonna, Kylie Minogue, and Britney Spears. One song I found funny was "Jealousy" where she "disses" Nicole Richie.
She doesn't mention her by name, but it's pretty obvious. Paris denies it's about Nicole, which makes it even funnier because she actually thinks she can outsmart America. C'mon, Paris... lol. She's not the best singer in the world and I doubt she can hold her own live, but she's no worse than Britney Spears. And I don't think she said her trademark "That's Hot" catchphrase more than once, which is a welcome surprise.
Overall, like I said, it's a good album. Not great and not really bad, either. I wouldn't suggest buying this at all because Paris really doesn't need the additional revenue coming in, but it's worth a download off of Bit Torrent and a spot on your iPod. If you really want to see if you like this album, put it on your iPod without listening to any of it and put it on shuffle without looking at the screen. If you don't know it's Paris, you can't set up a wall in your mind to make you instantly hate it lol. Give it a whirl.
Paq's Favorite Tracks:
1. Turn It Up (listen to it on a sub woofer, you'll like it too)
2. Stars Are Blind (shaddap, it grew on me!)
3. Jealousy (I thought it was pretty funny)
Paq's Least Favorite Tracks:
1. Do Ya Think I'm Sexy (it's a cover song and I hate the original lol)
2. Heartbeat
Unless you've been living on your favorite local park bench as a full-time hobo for the past few months, you would know that Paris Hilton has recently joined the prestigious horde of celebrities who have picked up a microphone and got the brilliant idea to seriously record an album.
When it comes to looks, she's certainly what I like to call "meh". Yeah, she has "super model looks" but the vast majority of super models are not even hot to me (I don't count those Black and Latina chicks with the astronomical booties on magazine covers such as "King" as "super models"; they're more like "magazine hoes". If they don't agree with that, then I'm sure somebody will open up a bottle of champagne and pour it on them until they come to the realization that they are indeed a "ho"). I'm a pretty skinny guy my damn self, so what the hell do I want a skinny ass bitch for? So we can fall in love and have toothpick kids? I've said it before and I'll say it again, to counter balance my crappy genetics I'll have to boink some FAT chick. Not that that's my plan or anything... and nothing against overtly obese women (lol) either. Even if I do just so happen to put on muscle tone over the next 5 years and lose the toothpickness, my basic DNA is the same haha. Which is why I don't get guys who marry girls who have tons of plastic surgery. Yeah, their wives are hot now, but all that surgery didn't change their DNA and the kids will pop out looking like hot, freshly raped ass.
So with all the above in mind, I fully anticipated that I would absolutely loathe this album. I heard that she was releasing a CD for awhile and, over time, started to salivate endlessly as I eagerly awaited it's leaking to the world wide web; just chomping at the bit to fire up the ol' HTML editor (Netscape Composer) and type away viciously on how much and how far my ear had just projectile vomited. Well, there's been a slight change of plans lol. One late night when I was working on the page, I had my TV tuner program on a mini window in the corner of my desktop not really paying attention to the visuals. I was watching MTV and a video came on that I didn't know the artist of.
