Editor's Note: This review might look intimidating to read given the length (10 pages), but I assure you this is pretty funny and well worth the time. If you've seen the movie, then this is hilarious and if you haven't, it's hysterical. I dunno how much more "A.D.D. Friendly" this can get without hindering my natural writing style.

I'm sure by now you've all had a chance to read my Cheetah Girls 2 review. If you haven't, go ahead and take a gander at it because you'll notice I said how empty I felt after I finished writing it. It's like I just wasted half a week of my life for nothing and I'll never get that time back. I had the same feeling after I got back home from wasting away at Navy boot camp as an injured recruit for 2 months in 2005. It's like you killed a small animal and just watched it decay... you feel a bit guilty, ashamed, and oddly amused all at the same time. As much as you hated the experience, something in the back of your head urges you to do it all over again.

Folks, I didn't want to. I had no plans on immediately covering the first Cheetah Girls flick after the second one nearly made me subside into cerebral arrest. My plan was to let Nathena review it if anything, but that's until Na said how I should do it and shit lol. I told her if she could find the next time it was showing on Disney, I'd bite. I figured the stupid movie wouldn't be on again for months with the sequel being out now and the seemingly huge selection of other programming Disney has to chose from. But Na, being the big Dorkasaurus Rex that she is, quickly found out (as in less than 5 minutes after I mentioned it) that it would be on the next day. UGH.

So, once again, I found myself wondering why the hell I'm even watching this. With each note I took, the more depressed I became. With each grain of sand that dropped through the hour glass, I started to ponder the very meaning of life. Are the Cheetah Girls sent here to entertain or destroy? Questions like these have no answer. They really do both -- they are entertaining for the wrong reasons (to the older crowd) and I'm sure they have destroyed my brain cells to lower my IQ.

As I type this introduction, I have a headache from what I have just witnessed. Cheetah Girls 2 didn't even hurt my head this much and I didn't take 2 1/2 pages of notes on the stupid movie either. Basically, Nathena handed me a squirrel, told me to snap it's neck, and then watch it get eaten by bugs as it slowly decayed. That very furry rodent was called "The Cheetah Girls".

I'm feeling guilty. I'm ashamed. And yet, still I'm oddly amused. Hey, what's 2 plus 2 again? Purple? *counts on fingers* Okay, nevermind -- I got it. It's Canada!

Wait, what?

I noticed a few things when this movie started that I either found funny or weird. First thing on the list of observations is that the girls looks so fucking skinny compared to whatever happened to them (*cough* GETTING FAT *cough*) in the 2nd movie. Seriously, look at Raven (or as I refer to her, Moonpie... Nah, I still don't know their names lol). She actually looks semi attractive vs. the whale she ballooned up to recently. Twinkie (the white girl) and Cheeto (the hispanic one) look a hell of a lot less like The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man as well while String Bean (the tall, skinny one) looks the same, except her teeth have not been corrected yet lol. This threw me for a loop because I figured she got mildly paid after her and Cheeto fired the dark-skinned chick from 3LW. Oh well. Stringy is also a lot more of a ghetto southern chick in this movie, which is odd because it wasn't so apparent in the second film (more on that later).

The next thing I noticed was how extremely dated this film looked. According to my DirecTV program guide, this was made in 2003. Even if it was shot in 2002 and aired the following year, that's no excuse for the crappy look of the thing. I'm weird, so I can look at a television show or movie and damn near correctly guess what year it was made in based on the look of the film and I swear, this totally gave me a 1993 vibe. Combine that with the clothes the Cheetahs are wearing and general color scheme of the film and it's like you went back to the early 90s. Call me crazy, but I wouldn't had been surprised in the least bit if "Whoop, There It Is" by Tag Team or "Hip Hop Hooray" by Naughty By Nature started playing.

Like the sequel, the movie starts out with a shitty performance. Again, where the hell are they?! I assume it's a birthday party... I see little kids there. They don't seem to be enjoying themselves that much either. This is like the opening scene to Ghostbusters 2 when Ray and Winston were booked as the entertainment (since they were broke and needed money). They started singing the infamous "Who Ya Gonna Call?" song and the kids revolt and say "we want Ninja Turtles!". The difference between that and this is the kids didn't start to fling poo at them. I would have. That's my advice to anyone who goes to a Cheetah Girls concert -- start flinging poo on stage like a crazed chimp. It doesn't even have to be fresh poo. Bring some from home in a brown paper bag (preferrably frozen) and just chuck it at Twinkie's head (...preferrably her mouth region). If security tries to escort you out, blame the whole ordeal on Donkey Kong since we all know gorillas who wear red ties emblazoned with their initials are responsible for inspiring others to fling feces.

The opening performance (music clip above) was going according to plan until String Bean got her foot stuck in the stage somehow (she's not even remotely close to being "the fat one" in the group, how did she manage to break through the stage?!). They all ended up tripping over each other, but finished the song with the pose you see above. Twinkie looks like she's about to vomit. Well, I'm glad somebody agrees with me so far. 

The general feeling is that they won't be ready in time for the upcoming school talent show. Moonpie tries to give some words of encouragment by saying not to worry about the lurid performance and that they'll do great. She also mentions how the talent show is their stepping stone to living as comfortably as Paris Hilton. Millions upon millions of dollars and endorsement deals await them. Definitely growlicious, baby.