October 5th, 2007
For example, there's a prisoner on board (the uber metrosexual) who is handcuffed to a cop, but steals the keys from him after he gets knocked silly from standing up during turbulence (dumbass!). So when the shit hits the fan with the infections, the flight attendants and pilot just think the escaped prisoner is fucking everyone up by biting them and making them go into murderous rages. Hold up, stop. Um, what?
Even if Hannibal-mofuggin'-Lecter was on board, I seriously doubt the people he went off snacking on would suddenly start drooling blood, grow pale, get yellow eyes, and want to take huge bites out of your ass. How retarded are these people?!
First person I see who matches that description on a plane I'm fucking up on sight by shanking them with toe nail clippers. Although, with my luck, the guy I attack will just be a World of Warcraft nerd (hence the pale skin) who has turberculous (hence the drooling blood) then I'll get sued for unjust geek zombie profiling or something.
I hate America. Don't you know Zombies were behind 9/11?! I'm just trying to be patriotic, dammit! *US flag drops behind me, fireworks go off*
A few more questions ran through my mind were while watching this. First of all, and this may be nitpicking, but since when did the undead sound like roaring lions running after a zebra in Africa? I know whatever virus this is makes you hungry for flesh and generally wipes away your personality traits, but changing your vocal chords to sound like Mufasa? That's a new one.
Another thing that bothered me in this movie were how easily the undead were done away with. One thing zombie flicks all have in common, other than the "bite to spread the virus" dealie, is the unwritten rule that you need to shoot the fool in the head for it to die... again. In Flight of the Living Dead, you can basically shoot them anywhere and they're defeated. While I'd prefer that in the real world if that ever happened (haha), here it's just cheap and lazy. One guy shot a zombie in the nuts to kill it. That's mildly funny, yes, but it's lame at the same time. I want gory head shots with brains splattered all over the walls and skull fragments everywhere.
Additionally, when did zombie folk get "retard strength"? I know they have an increased tolerance of pain, but I didn't know they could rip through the fucking floor of a plane with ease. Yep, that's right, a few of them were stuck in the cargo area so they decided to rip open the floor to the upper level with their bare hands and drag people down for a quick buffet. WTF?
Another loop in logic is when the plane itself is about to get shot down by the Air Force (or whatever branch lol). A missile was fired at the plane, but some last minute maneuvering by the new "pilots" (since the pilot and co-pilot are dead) saved the flight from getting hit head on. Now, I'm no expert on physics, but since when was a plane able to stay in the air with a fucking missile sized blast hole in it? Then there's the ending where they crash land in the middle of nowhere and, other than getting a little dirty in the process, the plane is in GREAT shape. No fires, no huge broken pieces, nothing! Keep in mind the clowns didn't even use the got damned landing gear to pull this off and they're walking away just dandy.
Sorry if this is a spoiler, but seriously, it's a zombie flick and you should have seen this one comin' -- the few survivors get out of the plane and look for help in a town in the distance. But, uh oh, here come some zombies that survived, too! DUN, DUN, DUN! Now, all logic would tell the humans to burn the piece of shit plane anyway they could at this point, but NoOOooOOO.. they're too busy trying to go have sex after dealing with a bunch of hostile dead heads. "Derp, so, how do you feel about dating an ex-cop?" WHAT?! DUDE, BURN THE FUCKING PLANE!
Flight of the Living Dead isn't as low budget as you think. It's no high value production by any means, but it's not like one of your buddies from film school made this on his Mac. It's decent if you can get over the crappy CGI sequences, somewhat wooden acting, and unrealistic situations. Basically, let your brain go to the restroom on this one if you want to enjoy it in the least.
Rent? Buy? Neither. I say set aside 700 MB on your hard drive and download this sucker. It's only worth watching once if you're curious about it and enjoy these kind of movies to begin with. It's nice to pass the time with and laugh at, but if you pay money for this you're an idiot. Even if the editors from IGN did hilarious commentary on the DVD, you can get the same deal for free if you just watch it with myself and the paq-land staff lol.
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