September 14th, 2009
 My, my, my how time flies. It has now officially been a decade since the last time I remember the Video Music Awards being a decent show to watch -- because with each passing year since September 9th, 1999, the thing has slowly become a disgusting, rancid husk of it's former self. It's like that hot chick you knew in high school, but when you find her on Myspace a few years later, she's fat, married to some deadbeat and has eight kids. What happened?! Cocaine's a helluva drug.
Anyone who's a long time fan of this site knows I am not kind when it comes to recapping this show because MTV thinks it's alright to just throw turds at the wall and see what sticks for 2 hours of live television. It's like the network executives have a meeting and ask themselves "Hey, how can we make this show suck even more schlong this year?". The network itself has been in shambles for years, but the VMAs just put a giant magnifying glass on it's acne-ridden face. The only redeeming part is the VMAs don't look so awful when compared to BET's offerings, which have just always been bad.
Last year's show, while certainly better than the 2007 abomination with Britney Spears' gut hangin' all out and shit, was still annoying. This was partly due to Russell Brand's jittery hosting duties, questionable wins from the aforementioned Britney, awkward performances (Rihanna in a big birthday cake? Huh, what?), and a set that looked like it would be more fitting for a talk show than a long-running -- and once respected -- awards ceremony. Yes, those are indeed the ingredients for a Hot Pocket.
A Hot Pocket stuffed with cat shit.
MTV announced in the summer of 2009 that Russell Brand would be doing the hosting gig for the second time and I was befuddled as to why they would chose him again. What, are they total gluttons for punishment? I guess nobody else was available who's only material relies on explaining that he's British for zillionth time and making fun of the Jonas Brothers, huh?
Like the 1999 show that featured Chris Rock as the master of ceremonies, the 2009 VMAs are in New York. Could this be a sign of good things to come or a train wreck waiting to happen? Continue reading my recap to find out!
I've learned my lesson. In 2006, I tuned in for the pre-show festivities and my eyes almost melted out of my sockets. I tried my best to miss them the next two years, but I caught enough of the arrivals and dick-riding interviews from Sway and company to write a recap. This year, I felt a bit frisky and decided to melt my eyes completely for you guys. Because even in blindness, I could smell the foul stench of this pre-show emanating from my 22" monitor. I'm the pop culture version of Daredevil -- without the shitty 2003 movie that ruined my mainstream acceptance.
I tuned into the pre-show from 8 P.M. sharp and MTV surely didn't let me down with the crap heap from the jump. Man, they must love me! *polishes gun before sticking it in mouth*
Lady GaGa was one of the first arrivals, wearing something straight from the "Oh-no-she-didn't" Fall collection (which was a recurring theme through out the night, but more on that later). She also had Deep Throat Kermit The Frog with her, which is funny considering his long publicized relationship with fellow muppet, Ms. Piggy. Man, this is gonna set the blog world on fire! Kermit, we need to talk, though. You go from boinking a got-damn pig to an alleged hermaphrodite? SMH, is that backwards or lateral movement? What the hell do you be watchin'? Ew, nigga lol. And Sway's head wrap looks like a head tumor. Either that, or he's harboring weapons of mass destruction. Get a haircut, jackass!
And of course, Beyoncé was in attendance. She was asked about the upcoming Michael Jackson tribute during the show, but I forgot what she said because I was too busy staring at her boobery. While not up to snuff with Christina Aguilera's swollen, post-preggo funbags from last year's pre-show (MILF!), I see what she's workin' with and I can't hate. I remember when I didn't know about taping boobs down to clothing for low cut dresses like that; it was a lot more arousing back then to know the slightest breeze would be all it would take to let those babies loose. If I was 13 like I was in 1999, I'd be seriously wishing Ryu from Street Fighter would strike his win pose beside Bey and let that mysterious wind unveil those mosquito bites. Ah, how I miss those days. I bet her areolas are as big as Jay-Z's lips.
Other than a few other fluff interviews and usual hype, you really didn't miss much. Atleast BET gives you some damn performances -- MTV gives us a lame ass video from the movie Fame. Great. They also revealed the winner of "Breakthrough Video," which was Matt and Kim's "Lessons Learned" -- a video I admittedly haven't even seen, nor do I care to see because of the simple fact the Yeah Yeah Yeahs should have won for "Heads Will Roll". That video is my 'ish! C'mon, a dancing werewolf, blood confetti, and a pre-MJ bandwagon hopping tribute to the "Billie Jean" video (the video was shot in the Spring)? What else could you ask for?
Recap of the main show on the next page.
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