May 18th, 2010

Well guys, 2009's been done for a minute (okay, it's been an hour), and if you've elected to read my Paqqie Awards for '09, you'd know why I'm fashionably late with getting around to the obligatory end of the year specials (I was having a beef with Google, lol). Hey, don't sue me for having a life and a girlfriend, lol. Besides, didn't you get the memo? May is the new January. I'm selling Paqified calendars out my trunk for 3 bucks. Jamayuary is that business, son!

Sure, it's 2010 now and we're all comfy in the new year like we're wearing a Snuggie on a Saturday night, but I can't continue my usual satrical madness this year without giving you a quick recap of why paq-land.com is the people's choice for celebrity gossip and your digital lifestyle... Because even if I'm never on time with my reporting, I'm certainly the funniest mofo on the internet when I get around to the goods. My girlfriend calls my humor "dry" but hey, she's laughing at it!

So if you're new to my web site, this is a great place to start if you're wondering why I think I'm the shit and the urine because I'll catch you up to speed on an entire year's worth of news posts in under 10 minutes. It's what I call "Tell 'Em I Said That!".

I'm a genius. But y'all knew that already because you're here.

"I am interested in hearing the style he goes with, however. If he's still rapping then it's nothing terribly groundbreaking. If he's still doing that awful, mumbled singing with auto-tune then I'll personally wipe my ass with every copy of the disc I see. Retail stores, be on alert right now 'cause if you see a tall Black male with his pants down, chances are that's me about to fudgey on the floor then wipe my ass with the linear notes." -- Me reporting on the announcement of Lil' Wayne's oft-delayed rock album "Rebirth," 01.09.09 (Read Full Post)

"It's hard to get anything solid in the world of gossip blogs, but OK! Magazine says THAT TMZ SAYS that OFFICIALS SAY *deep breath* that she suffered a bloody nose and lip in addition to two contusions that swelled up her forehead (I'll leave the joke alone...), and bite wounds (?). C'mon Chris... you had to Mike Tyson the bitch, too?" -- From my first post on the whole Chris Brown/Rihanna drama, 02.14.09 (Read Full Post)

"I'm not an advocate of domestic abuse, but I am a realist haha. That's like me going to the zoo, sitting next to a gorilla, then punching it in the face. Now who exactly will feel sorry for me if I get my ass kicked? Answer: NOBODY. I'm the one who consciously crossed the line and picked a fight. It's not like the gorilla came into my house, broke my Playstation 3, called my mother a whore, ate all my food then kicked my ass. I STARTED IT . I have close to no sympathy for Rihanna!" -- My thoughts on the aftermath of the Chris Brown/Rihanna drama, 03.11.09 (Read Full Post)

"Facebook is like the girl that was cute to begin with, had some deep down self-esteem issues, and went on to have way too much plastic surgery to win her boyfriend back who was boinkin' Twitter... And it didn't work. Now she just looks like a hot mess and eats tubs of chocolate mint ice cream on the couch while watching re-runs of Charles in Charge while sobbing like a pathetic sack of crap." -- A classic rant on the "new" Facebook, 03.14.09 (Read Full Post)

"According to gaming site 1up.com , Yoshinori Kitase (producer for FFXIII) claims he believes the final product will use nearly 100% of the Playstation 3's processing power (eat that, Solid Snake!). Really? I'm not a game developer by any means, but I find it hard to swallow that three years into the console's lifespan that you're already bringing it down to it's knees. Granted, this is Square we're talking about... They've been waiting to blow up a console since the SNES." -- An excerpt from one of my initial reports on Final Fantasy XIII, 04.01.09 (Read Full Post)

"It seems to me that the 16-year-old is afraid her (acting) career will suffer if she doesn't distance herself from the kiddy stuff. While she is correct to a degree, let me unzip my pants for a second and slap her with the cock of reality. And I'm aware of her age. Nobody is too young for Paq's reality dick, my friends" -- My creepy comments on Miley Cyrus trying to get away from Disney roles, 04.02.09 (Read Full Post)

"Like seriously, who wants to see a flat-chested girl nude? What's the appeal? Not anything against you members of the itty-bitty-titty committee or anything (I'm being safe because I know a good chunk of my demographic are females, haha), but if I want to see a pair of nipples on a bird chest, I'd look in the mirror lol!" -- My reaction to the leaking of Cassie's nude photos (NSFW), 05.31.09 (Read Full Post)

"I heard Lara Croft is on the street corners now givin' up neck to Luigi for a few coins and has a sex tape with Captain N now" -- My opinion of the state of the Tomb Raider series, 05.31.09 (Read Full Post)

"'This right here is a challenge,' he says in between the constant licking of his lips, "to all dem boys that be grindin' out there. I wanna know who numba one." At this point, I was already about to fall out my seat laughing. I couldn't believe my ears! I think my Gaydar went to Defcon Five." -- A small portion of my rant-of-the-year quality post about Pretty Ricky member Spectacular dancing on YouTube in pink got-damn underwear while challenging other male artists to a " grind-off," 06.01.09 (Read Full Post)

"Hope your kid has the butter and cheddar biscuits ready on his way out your womb, 'cause it's going to be feastin' on a mouthful of crabs." -- Me venting about Lauren London's pregnancy with Lil' Wayne, 06.16.09 (Read Full Post)

"On the topic of sex, she reveals "I think within a certain relationship I can be extremely sexual, but at the same time, because I'm a loner, once I'm alone, I can go weeks, months, forever without a boyfriend and be perfectly fine. So I don't think I'm a sex addict, no" . Great, another woman who is perfectly content with using a vibrator. We're losing this battle, fellas. The joke's on her though, that dildo's a Decepticon." -- Me speaking on Megan Fox's revealing Entertainment Weekly interview, 06.18.09 (Read Full Post)

"Keri Hilson was absolutely atrocious and should never perform live again, Beyoncé's big wedding dress crap was fugly, and Drake and Lil' Wayne stunk up the joint. I know Drizzy messed up his knee beforehand , but seriously guy, sitting on a stool the entire time? Somebody should have put his Jimmy-ass back in the wheelchair." -- My opinion on the thrown together 2009 BET Awards, 07.05.09 (Read Full Post)

"Aw, what a shame. Kimmy, call a brotha. I don't have the deep pockets your ex's have, but imagine the fun times we'll have eating Top Ramen and playing Sega Genesis. Yup, yup, yup. Like Beyoncé said, "lemme upgrade you"! *cough*" -- Thoughts on Kim Kardashian's break up with Reggie Bush, 07.27.09 (Read Full Post)

"On August 31, dorks and geeks everywhere hung their collective heads in shame as Iron Man flew into Disney headquarters, seductively bent over, and took Mickey Mouse's wang up his ass. Tony took it for the team." -- Describing the epic Disney and Marvel merger, 09.02.09 (Read Full Post)

Read my thoughts on Lil' Mama crashin' the final performance of the 2009 VMAs right here

"Why are you married anyways? You're the highest paid athlete in the universe! You should be bangin' chicks left and right just because you can. Oh wait, you are . Oops." -- Me ranting about the Tiger Woods sex scandal and how it's good for his career, 12.06.09 (Read Full Post)

"Hire me as your publicist, I'll have you back on top in no time. Start with saying you've been exposed to Gamma Radiation and you turn green when you're angry. Start wearing purple pants to support this claim. Then let's make you gay to appeal to a new audience. I can see it now, Chris Brown the Homo-Hulk! HIRE ME!" -- Suggestions to fix Chris Brown's career after he flipped out on Twitter, 12.15.09 (Read Full Post)