| July 30th,
2006
 Welcome
to Myspace Pimp Mailbag Vol. 1. Here I will be posting real e-mails that I receive from myspace losers that think I’m desperate enough
to hook up over the internet. Originally I planned on just placing the
e-mails on here along with some rude and sarcastic comments, but that little
voice in the back of my head told me that that’s just wrong.
So instead, I decided to put some helpful tips along with my rude and sarcastic
comments.
DISCLAIMER: I
don’t endorse or advocate e-mailing girls over myspace and asking them
if they want to hook up, make babies, have cyber sex, or (my personal favorite)
be “friends”. I’m doing this to show the world what unfortunate girls,
like me, must go through everyday when we sort through our mail in myspace.
I can only hope that by doing this at least ONE myspace loser will learn
how to write a semi-decent e-mail to a girl that won’t make her: laugh,
cry, throw up or toss her computer out a window.
Subject:
HELLO
HELLO
IAM BRAVO I DON'T HAVE A ANY PICS ON HERE I'VE JUST GOT ON HERE AND I AM
SENDING YOU MESSAGE
 Tip#
1: If you want to get a response from a girl then give her
SOMETHING to respond too (especially if you are new to myspace). The only
appropriate response I can think of for the e-mail is “Are you retarded?”
Tip# 2:
Typing in all caps makes you look stupid. DON’T DO IT.
Editor's Note from Paq: Yeah, it's real smart to start up convo. (well, even in this horrible attempt) with a girl on myspace without a profile picture. What's the point of you even having a myspace if you don't have a pic? And don't go friending people with celebrity pictures as your default either  ! Anyways, like Nathena said, give the girl something to respond to. Find something about yourself that's interesting or entertaining to talk about or try to find out more about the girl in question without coming across as a retard. You don't have to write short novels like I do, but "I AM SENDING YOU MESSAGE" makes you sound hella remedial and doesn't accomplish anything at all in the realm of advancing conversation. In fact, saying that wouldn't make you need a default picture. I bet Na can imagine you being a retard rolling around in your filth while you have drool dripping down your chin just fine.
|
Subject:
Hey niceprofile
Just
checking out your profile, nice. You have a pretty smile. But just wanted
to tell you that you are Sharp Az A Crease. Check my profile...then you'll
understand
Tip# 3
: Please come up with a better compliment then “You have a pretty
smile”. I don’t think there is a girl in the world that hasn’t been complimented
on her smile… unless she’s missing every tooth in her mouth. And boys…
come on; we know what you’re really thinking about when you compliment
a girls mouth. *shakes head*
And what the hell does “Sharp Az A Crease” mean  ? I checked his profile and I still don't understand. I was expecting some big Da Vinci Code-esque revelation. Yet, there was nothing; just your average crappy myspace layout with oversized pictures and a picture of some skanky ho as the background topped with barely readable font. |
Editor's
Note from Paq:
Ah c'mon Nathena, guys (atleast
me) don't equate a pretty smile to perverted and lewd thoughts about oral
sex (like there's any other way to think about getting your pole shined
other than perverted and lewd.. but whatever lmao) -- that job goes to
the lips. If a guy ever says "Damn girl you got some sexy ass lips", then
yeah, you can pretty much tell what he's thinking. Other than that, TAKE
THE DAMN COMPLIMENT :)
You
don't, however, need to accept the "Sharp Az A Crease" compliment because
nobody knows what the fuck it means lol. Guys, if you're gonna say a girl
looks good on myspace, then just say it. You have the benefit of being
behind a computer screen and being seperated by MILES, so grow a pair and
just say it. Don't make up some crazy ass lingo to do so. A simple "I just
wanted to tell you that you are very beautiful" would have probably gotten
a thank you reply from Na. Instead, you confused her and in her state of
confusion you ended up on paq-land.com getting dissed. Take this as a lesson
learned.
Subject:
What it do
Yo
what up...Check out mi page and if you like what you see maybe we can chat
or hook up sometime. Peace Up...
Tip# 4
: If you want a girl to talk to you, go check out HER page
first. That means actually reading the content on the page, NOT looking at her pics while rubbing your balls (because we all know that
is the only place you look). Find something interesting on her page to
e-mail her about. Make sure it’s not something stupid like “Durr. Your
page is nice”.
“What
it do”…Is this a question or a statement??
Editor's
Note from Paq: Guys, reading the chick's
myspace is essential if you're going to send a message of any kind of substance.
In Nathena's case, if you read her myspace instead of jizzing all over
your keyboard to her profile pictures, you would have come across how she
DOESN'T want to hook up with anyone over myspace (the fact that you didn't
see this when it's in big, bold ass letters on the main page makes you
look like more of an idiot) . Secondly, if you typed like you knew the
english language, maybe you might get a reply. I really don't know what's
up with my gender when it comes to myspace most of the time lol. I'm not
saying I'm a "myspace girl expert" but I do have common sense haha.
Subject:
hello
hi
are you
Tip# 5
: Don’t combine words; it’s just stupid. I can’t even think of
anything sarcastic to say about this…
Editor's Note from
Paq: I didn't mean to add my little 2 cents,
but I think tips from a guy's perspective were needed. I hope the males
reading this got something out of it, but if not, feel free to e-mail Nathena
with typographical errors, hard to understand ebonics, and horrible attempts
at "macking" -- please do, she needs more shit to make fun of anyways..
Post your opinions on this mailbag in the forums since you're done reading
this and there's a damn link below. DO IT.
Well,
that’s it for Vol. 1. I’ll probably have Vol. 2 out in a week or
two. |
