December 30th, 2007

Working in retail has it's perks. I stay up to date on new releases in music, DVD, and gaming, get to play with new technology, get discounts on swag, and I meet some cool customers sometimes. But lately, the million dollar question is if we have any Nintendo Wii systems in stock. I'm getting damn pretty sick of this question lol.

Of course, we don't; nobody does. In the year the Wii has been out, I have yet to ever see one sitting on the store shelf, let alone the actual box it comes packaged in. Meanwhile, the Playstation 3 is so easy to come by you'd start to think it sucks in comparison. The first time I ever saw the damn thing was our in store display a few days ago actually haha. Still, with the console in such high demand, I have a few ideas on how to get a Wii for yourself, your kids, your lover, or who ever.

DISCLAIMER: I'm just thinking out loud here, I'm not telling you to go out and do any of this shit. Like I always say, I'm just a nigga with a web site LOL.

5. Camp outside at your favorite retailer

I don't mean set up a tent for 10 hours and bring a few snacks, I mean go get a fucking RV or a minivan and park your ass out there for a good month. Long enough to get that Tom Hanks in Castaway beard going. Ladies included.

Don't like the wintery chill this time of year? Go find a bum on the street, beat him up, and steal his clothing for extra layers. You'll smell of unwashed ball sacks and cheap liquor, but this is for a Wii. no pain, no gain. Within the said month, you're bound to run into a Wii shipment and you'll be the only person in line because nobody else can stand the Megazord of funk you are with the combined odor of bum nuts and you not washing for four weeks.

Be sure to take a shower after you have a Wii, though. Swinging your arms around in Wii Tennis with cave man B.O. is about as smart as Nintendo releasing the Virtual Boy.

4. Quit your job

At first, this may seem like a stupid ass idea, but consider this -- Wiis are only $250. Who can't afford that? Take your last paycheck and tell your employer to sit on it (Fonzie style, then snap your fingers and have a skank in roller skates give you a starwberry milkshake). Once you have your Wii, play it for awhile. Eventually, your electricity will get cut off and you will get evicted because you're a jobless piece of trash, but fret not! Take your Wii to your friend's house and let them play it. They'll have to give you a home if they want to play Wii. You'll have everyone by the balls!

Next thing you know, you're eating their food, watching their HDTV, and you're never paying any bills! The key to this one though, is to make sure the Wii stays out of stock, so start selling drugs on the side so you can have the money to buy up full shipments from stores for eBaying purposes.. Price gouging = TEH WIN!!!11!

3. Get an "inside man"

The easiest way to find out when Wiis are available in retail stores is to find an "inside man," or somebody who works at that place in question. Don't come knocking on my door, because I seriously never know what's going on with shit anywhere I work when it comes to shipments. Find some nerd who works at Gamestop and tell him you'll let him fuck your girlfriend if he coughs up some info. and promises to hold a system for you. Generally speaking, if a person works at Gamestop, chances are they don't get laid. This is a golden opportunity!

Ladies, you're gonna have to give up the vag for this. Take one for the team. You want Wii? Then suck a wee. Oh, you don't want to do it? Then shut the fuck up about wanting to play Mario Party 8, bitch.

2. Steal your friend's!

Everyone knows somebody in their circle of friends with a Wii. It's also pretty common knowing somebody who owes you money, so putting the two together it probably won't be too difficult to find a person who has a Wii and owes you money at the same time, lol.

I don't care if they just owe you 10 cents, if it's been a week and they haven't paid you back, I say repossessing the Wii is fair game. This won't be hard to do at all. Just go over to their house and wait for them to go use the bathroom -- bring drinks for them if possible and be extra generous. Break out the good shit -- get Pepsi and not RC Cola. When they go to tinkle, gank the damn thing and leave. Totally haul ass, man. Be sure to leave a sticky note explaining the situation, though. If you're going to be an asshole, be nice about it I say.

1. Hold kittens hostage

This is a fact -- people lurve cute little cuddly-ass kittens... I'd bet even more than cute puppies! Find somebody who has a cat that just had a litter, buy a few from the owner, grab your digital camera and a sledgehammer. Take a picture of the cute lil' fellas in a basket (preferrably with a cute little red bow on the handle) with you standing over it holding the weapon like you're a cheap version of WWE's Triple H.

Post the pictures on myspace, facebook, xanga, where ever you can reach a lot of folks real fast. Demand you receive a Nintendo Wii via 2nd day Fed Ex shipping straight from Nintendo or a local retail outlet within the week or you'll bash the kittens one by one.

But don't do it, because I myself lurve kittens; they're so fucking adorable dammit. Instead, I suggest finding some road kill of just about any damn thing and act like you bashed it to a pulp with your sledgehammer. That smelly racoon carcass is your ticket to Wii-dom my friend, so get tha scoopin'.

With any luck, you'll raise such a stink it'll be covered on various video game blog sites, message boards, and maybe even a segment on VH1's Best Week Ever. For your efforts, The Big N will have to hand over a Wii.